“Sunday Scaries”

It seems like every week for most people I know ends with some sort of “Sunday Scaries” as I like to call it.  The “Sunday Scaries,” as I define it: “That feeling when Sunday afternoon fades into Sunday evening and every problem (big and small, perilous and benign) creep into the forefront of our consciousness and we begin to think about how terrible things are in our lives and how terrible we are, etc.”  If some form of this doesn’t happen to you, great.  However, I’ve found that this kind of happens to a lot of us – which explains why I was really adamant about getting this blog posted today, Sunday, for my friends in America at least.

This past week has been really weird for me.  I traveled for most of it, finally coming home to my girlfriend for a short lived three days, which were full of mostly just enjoying each other and watching a lot of movies together – the kind of movies that make you think.  Anyway, the week was weird because everything in MY life, MY personal life was/is going really well.  There’s nothing more I could ask for.  (I’m typically a grammar Nazi, but not with this blog thing – I really stretch my license, so I’ll end sentences with prepositions, etc. – just deal with it please – it’s about the flow).  Okay disclaimer done.  Anyway, everything in MY life is great, but there are a handful of people who I love dearly and are very close to me and things seem to be crumbling in their lives.  These aren’t things that I can really (or figured out how to yet) directly affect and help with – and that hurts me.  It hurts me for the obvious reason that I love them and I want them to be happy and feel okay, but it also hurts me because I spent a lot of the week thinking, “How can I be smiling and happy and posting notes on FB or Twitter or whatever while these people so close to me are suffering?  How can I be happy when everything is not okay in this world?”

This has always been a bit of a tough notion for me and I really tried to deal with it directly this week.  I thought about it a lot and I just kind of went about my business until I got home to my girlfriend and was able to really let my guard down and be alone with myself while she was at work during the day and I was in reflective, uninterrupted thought.  

We watched a documentary called “Happy” on Thursday evening and it rocked my world – I highly recommend it – thanks to Britt for picking that out.  (You guys can find it on NetFlix).  I really enjoyed the documentary and it resonated with things that I already held as truths in my life and it made me feel great.  I won’t go into much detail, but the premise really spoke to what makes people happy (taking samples from all demographics, geography, etc.) and a lot of it really came down to a conscious decision of HOW WE CHOOSE TO REACT to things in our lives.  There IS A LOT IN OUR CONTROL OF BEING HAPPY.  Well, this was great – a reaffirmation with data, studies, people with resources greater than I currently have “proving” exactly what I think – awesome.  This was all great until the next day – Friday.

I was at our place, knocking out work all day and it was almost sunset.  I looked up and hustled to get myself out the door and I rushed to the beach to get a shot of this sunset – this blistering orange sunset that I could see from a block away – it made me think of my energy and the energy I associate with some of the people I love the most.  I picked up a light jog and got to the intersection by the pier on the Pacific Coast Highway.  The cars were flowing North and South and the beach was just across the street and I was watching this beautiful sun just sliding down the sky every so softly, and it was escaping me – not really ME, but it was escaping EVERYONE I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH – I wanted to capture it in a picture and share it with my friends – most notably my friends that were struggling.  Here I was, everything in MY life great – I’m watching the sun set and all I can think is, “get across the street and get a good picture of this to share with everyone”.  The sign says walk and I turn my light jog into a sprint – I’m wearing a hoodie, a skull cap, and shades with flip flops and jeans, running across the PCH to catch a shot of the sun before it fades away, below the island of Catalina.  (I never run to cross the street in California – it’s sort of a rule I made when I moved to Cali over a year ago – I spent my early life in Brooklyn, dodging traffic, running for lights, through the middle of the street – six lanes on Flatbush avenue, but Friday I ran.)  I got across the street, hit the beach, pulled out my phone to catch the sun and I couldn’t – it had set.  I stood there, along with others that were taking in this daily beauty, and I cried – I cried like a child.  I hid behind my shades, skull cap, and hoodie – and I cried.  I would normally say, “that’s crazy,” but it signified so much.  It was everything and nothing at all…

I sat at the beach wondering about the time after sunset, the time after everyone comes out to see the beauty – what was left if they missed it?  I sat there on the beach as the exodus began, looking for some good – I saw some – I saw a young boy and his grandma, I saw the American flag whipping in the wind next to the California flag and the POW-MIA flag – all good things.  

I think it’s important for me to note right here that I thought about this blog and thought about heading back to our place to write it, but I chose not to do so.  I chose not to because it really had no happy ending.  I’m a fan of literary works, books, films, whatever – the ones with an ending that isn’t always peaches and cream, but I knew in my heart of hearts that there was something wonderful here – there was something that would come to me – something I could figure out about life and something that could put a smile on my face (a smile that I felt comfortable wearing), so I hesitated to post the blog –  just took a bunch of notes in my phone.

As I was driving on Saturday morning, I looked at the car in front of us and saw two bumper stickers – the first was a bumper sticker of a bird with the letters “L” “G” & “W” around it and the second one I read just plainly said “Let God Work”.  I said nothing, but these two bumper stickers were genuinely comforting to me.  A stupid looking, goofy smile came across my face.  Brittney looked at me and said, “What?” and I just said nothing and kept smiling with a sense that this feeling I was carrying would come full circle and this blog would somehow finish itself in time for my “Sunday Scaries” deadline…

As I said earlier, Britt and I rented a bunch of movies when I got home to watch over the 72 hours we had together before I had to get back on the road for another three weeks this morning.  (I’m writing this in the airport in Houston on the way to Dallas to meet with one of my closest friends in the world and I can’t wait to see him and figure out a way to work together and do amazing things for the rest of our short lives.)  One of the other movies we rented was called “Take This Waltz,” which I thought was a little on the long side, but again highly recommend watching as I’ll watch anything with Seth Rogen in it – especially something on the serious side, produced in the Indie world.  I’m not going to give a synopsis or a plot breakdown for you because this movie was just more than any of that for me – for my state of mind – and it all really came down to one line that I jotted down in my phone: “Life has a gap in it, you don’t have to turn into a lunatic trying to fill it.”  

This quote physically hit me like a hard left hook in the ribs (if you’ve ever boxed) – if you haven’t, think about a time you fell and either got the wind totally knocked out of you, or you’ve landed on your tailbone – (that unexpected, smashing feeling that is absolutely paralyzing).  This was it – “there’s a gap in life…”

If you know me – I’ve been constantly trying to fill it – I’m trying to fill it for myself, for everyone, for whatever – I’m just working to get it done – probably a lot of it in vain – I’d be lying if I told you that I do everything I do because of some noble reason (I really like to think so, but some shit I do, I just can’t explain – good and bad – read “It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on It” by Robert Fulghum).

This quote really helped me come full circle and understand that I can’t fix everything – that I can’t fill that gap all the time, that I AM A LUNATIC sometimes (most of the time) trying to fill that gap, but I do and will CONTINUE TO TRY AND HELP – to try and do whatever I can.  I will exhaust every option and every bit of my faculties to be the best person I can be and help those around me to be happy… we can all get there… myself included… we’re all such simple, yet complicated human beings… all suffering through the same (relatively speaking) woes and same trials – we all FEEL and we all HURT, but we CAN ALL BE HAPPY… just ask ME…

I’ve actually “Let God Work,” albeit while I worked (possibly in vain)… and I’m happy and I hope you are and if you’re not – YOU CAN BE… you CAN CHOOSE TO BE.  Please, I implore you to watch the documentary “Happy” and see the movie “Take This Waltz,”  and read “It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on It,” and one more to add to the list – “Love, Peace & Misunderstanding,” which I caught this weekend as well.

The one thing that stuck with me, helped me finish this blog, helped me move more towards acceptance of others, and helped me to love myself, love others, and become a better person, was the idea (scene) where Jeffrey Dean Morgan talks to Catherine Keener about a sandbag and a balloon regarding her relationship with her mother… It really resonated with me and I think it has been helping me today as the asshole inside of me wants to get mad when people in lines at the airport don’t have everything together – I’ve taken a step back and really just kind of chilled out and thought about things longer… really wondered before judging…

I really hope this all made some sort of sense to you all because I’m probably going to publish it without trying to reread it or look back – if it doesn’t I’m sorry – when feelings come out of me, I like to let them just flow, so here you go…

I’d like to know your thoughts on this blog as I’m on this never-ending quest to figure this whole life thing out and let you know that you’re not alone – I have amazing people in my life that let me know I’m not alone and if you don’t have any currently, please be one of them for someone else, and let me know because I’d like to be one of them for you…

Love,
Josh

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About rizzojoshua

I'm probably a lot like you, trying to figure out what it is we're all doing here. I'm going to write about what's honestly on my mind and heart, and I hope to inspire you and be inspired by you.
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7 Responses to “Sunday Scaries”

  1. gabby says:

    Josh I love U for U, I love you for the person U are, and Love U for helping me be the women that I know I can be, I have been writing a list everynight of all the things I need to do that will help me obtain my goals just wanted to say Thankyou. Every day that passes and all the BS and negativity that i’m surrounded by in all the darkness You are the shining light in my life and because of YOU I CHOOSE to keep going Because of you I choose to live I know that there are better things if I just keep pushing myself
    U ARE MY HERO N MY HEART LOVE ALWAYS GABBY

  2. rizzojoshua says:

    Gabs, you’re the hero – keep working hard – I love you – the future is extremely bright for you – I promise, we’ll keep kicking the darkness until it bleeds daylight… I love you and I thank you for coming back into my life… You are the greatest thing – I can’t wait to see you next week babe… Love…

  3. Mimi says:

    I feel a bit intrusive reading your blog, as I don’t know you in the least. I stumbled across it on FB. It’s a bit like walking through an old worn set of doors in a foreign city and finding inside a beautiful church that instantly quiets my constantly chattering mind and brings it peace. Thank you.

    • gabby says:

      that’s what this is all about mimi I hope you get as much out of it as I do please keep reading and commenting I know I will n we are not alone much love Gabby

  4. rizzojoshua says:

    Mimi – do not feel intrusive at all – please read it and spread it along if you will… I am so glad that it resonates with you – It’s really something I’m very committed to and it helps me and it seems to be helping others… shoot me a friend request on FB and if you’re on twitter too… I’ll be in touch for sure… Gabby, you’re the best – can’t wait to see you next week, hit the studio – I heard the song and it’s beautiful… I think you’ll do a great job when we record it sweetie… Love & Peas ladies…
    Josh

  5. Kelly says:

    This blog is everything I feel now and gave me peace knowing I can change it.

    Thank you for writing this.

    • rizzojoshua says:

      Hi Kelly, I’m glad this resonated with you… I think it’s something we all go through… I just try and write about what I’ve learned through my experiences (wrong, right, whatever) and hope that it touches someone… Thanks a lot for your feedback… it keeps me going…

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